How to Be Honest With Yourself

Undermine happy

Happy is certainly doable. Yet, you may be better off undermining its importance. In fact, being honest with yourself will not always lead to happiness. It can lead, however, to renewed sense of being. This is better – if you want to begin a genuine relationship of self-honesty.

For example, I thought for some time that pursuing passions would make me happy. I would reach some state of literary nirvana. My blog would explode in orgasmic bloggy goodness.

But, those aspirations only made me happier.

What’s this mean?

If I were constantly happy with my writing, my blog would never need to grow. I wouldn’t go beyond the first drafts of my posts. I wouldn’t be able to wallow in my un-inspiration. I wouldn’t be scared that I wasn’t a good writer. I wouldn’t be able change.

I much rather be unhappy and changing all the time, than becoming happy and remaining blissfully stagnant.

This may seem counterintuitive. This is how honesty works – it’s the opposite of what you expect.

Instead of focusing on happy for happy’s sake – center on what will change and transform you. Like understanding other people better. Becoming a better a listener. Or, bringing good to the world.

The happy part can still be there, but a couple of notches down in the priority meter.

Have a metric of fulfillment (but be reasonable – and don’t compare!)

Unreasonable people have unreasonable goals. Yet, that only works if you are trying to save the world or are Edna Adan. For the rest of us, honesty works better in tangibles, but only reasonable ones.

Want to know if your metrics are reasonable? Examine them to find out if they are full of comparisons to other people.

Case in point: my ex and his internal professional maelstrom.

E was from a family chock full of fabulously wealthy lawyers and baby doctors. In contrast, he’d describe his life as being the sole, lowly school teacher trudging the ghettos of Chicago’s Westside charter schools.

This didn’t stop him, however, from making comparisons of his life as a teacher in relation to his family’s successes in law and medicine.

My ex would explain wistfully, “If I were making $500,000 a year, I’d consider myself to be doing very well.”

He was serious— and incredibly absurd at the same time. If you are trying to become honest with yourself, you will understand the tensions between your expectations and fulfillment.

If you know this, you will also understand that one has very little to do with the other.

Whet your appetite for trust and appreciate other people’s honesty

Anyone reading this blog knows: I have hard time dealing with women. If I wanted to get over this tension – I had to be honest that I didn’t trust women.

And, it was easier for me to dismiss failed relationships with them because I could hearken to my original judgment that there was “something” about them.

Read: untrustworthy.

Dishonesty is motivated by distrust, whether its distrust of other relationships, situations, or even perceptions of yourself.

Risking your vulnerability to tell the truth opens the gate to a life of honesty. Dishonesty doesn’t take ownership of this. It’s the exact opposite – an avoidance of vulnerability. It casts the illusion of being safe…but only for a while.

The strength of your vulnerability, however, means believing you’ll be OK, no matter what.

And, being vulnerable, hearing the truth, engaging risk and moving towards a more honest relationship with yourself and others is a delicious connection to cultivate. And, while being honest with yourself does not guarantee that you’ll be safe all the time – you’ll know you’ll be OK.

Photo Credit: Lady Vic @ Flickr