This is an homage to Ingrid, one of the most mean and difficult people I have ever had to work with….

Civility vs. Friendship

Get along: “There’s cookies and cake in the kitchen, Ingrid

Like: “I’m going to the kitchen for some cookies and cake, did you want me to bring you back any?”

Friend: “I brought you back some chocolate cake, I know you’re swamped with those reports.”

Saying you like everyone you meet is a rip off (and complete BS – so don’t go there). Either you leave so little of yourself out of the relationship’s equation that there’s nothing left or you’re fake.

Either way, you’re doing someone a disservice.

Do not consume yourself with wondering how this person keeps a job

It’s completely pointless to do so. If you are like me, you’ve probably spent sleepless nights wondering how such awful cretins remain employed (let alone, alive). Don’t do it. Your head will explode – I do not doubt this.

There could be a number of factors that contribute to such a brute being in your professional midst. It could be anything from tenure (they’ve been there longer than mold and roaches) to the fact that your boss has gotten used to them.

Yep. You read that correctly. In a dysfunctional workplace, mean and difficult employees are king (or queen).

Therefore, don’t be afraid to acknowledge that you work with a mean or difficult person. You’ll feel better if you are honest about your perceptions. It’s OK to think that not everyone is nice and is going to treat you like a lovely human being. It would be nice if people did - but not everyone follows the same set of rules.

Nonetheless, don’t fall into the trap of figuring out how they remain afloat or become overly concerned with the “special treatment” they get. It’s such a waste of time – and you won’t learn anything from it.

You can handle mean better than difficult (in most cases)

Mean is not shy about causing discomfort or hurt feelings. Mean is unapologetic. People like that are easily labeled as jerks and make themselves workplace pariahs.

While I could be describing the more extreme personas of meanies, meanness solely originates from insecurity. There’s absolutely nothing you can do about that.

Folks like that are nauseously toxic and others only know too well how to deal with such a person: AVOIDANCE.

Nonetheless, difficult people are more of a hindrance. They make things harder than they should be – and they are not necessarily “mean.” Therefore, difficult coworkers are more about savvy negotiation and patience (tireless and infinite amounts of patience).

Difficult is when Ingrid gets mad because you used 16 point Arial font instead of 18 point Times New Roman. She comes over to your desk and argues about it for 15 minutes instead of just asking you to change the font on the labels. That’s difficult.

Mean is when she calls you an idiot (or yells at the top of her lungs while you shiver in your cube).

Ingrid would harrass and micromanage coworkers about label making. She’d yell and throw tantrums about people cleaning out closets. She’d whine about how people weren’t doing work for her – but never explain or initiate the work she wanted done. There was very little you could do to please Ingrid because no one could figure out what it was.

Are they being “difficult” or are they demanding you get the job done (or right)?

Open secret: your boss most likely knows X employee is giving you a hard time. Ingrid is practically infamous – everyone knows she’s crazy, right? Your boss has heard Ingrid call you shit for brains. She practically ate popcorn while watching Ingrid question your judgment (and IQ) loudly, rudely and openly.

But, you know what? She (or he) is not going to step in. No one is going to stick up for you. Unfortunately, a boss who has let an Ingrid roll around behaving in such a manner is not interested in solving workplace disputes.

They’ll claim they’re too busy for that.

So, you’re SOL for someone coming to your “rescue.”

And, you shouldn’t want someone coming to you rescue. If you’ve done everything in your power to keep the relationship’s wheels from spinning out of control – and everything is failing – it’s time for a higher up to step in.

Bosses think that if you aren’t resourceful enough to solve your own problems, they think you can’t do your job. They’re right (to an extent). Yet, that pulls us into the question of the chicken and the egg. If you are working with someone who is making your job more difficult and causing anxiety – most likely, you’re sucking at your job. And, if you are so stressed from such a co-worker, your performance goes down even further.

To be fair, this doesn’t happen to everyone – but it’s a safe bet it will happen to everyone of us at least ONCE in our lifetime. Everybody has a breaking point.

Nevertheless, don’t be too hard on an Ingrid. Maybe, God forbid- you’re being difficult. Perhaps you are not being as flexible as you’d like to think. It’s not the worst thought in the world – after all, you can change yourself (whereas you can’t change an Ingrid).

You’re not special (well, kind of – but in another way)

Being the object of a mean and difficult worker’s harassment is like the worst thing – besides getting fired because you can’t deal with a meanie (or difficult person).

Once, I was naive enough to think that if you behaved badly in the workplace, you’d be  ”removed.” Kind of like school.

But academic life and professional work are unabashedly different animals. You aren’t necessarily rewarded for hard (or good) work. Bullies get recognition or get away with murder (literally). The laziest get the best assignments. People steal your snacks.

So, Ingrid was probably doing all the right things to keep her job.

The general advice when dealing with difficult people is figuring out what makes them tick. And, if you are invested in developing a civil work relationship – that’s a good place to start.
Unfortunately, difficult people don’t always have a foreseeable or obvious set of motivations the average person can figure out. It almost requires that you become Dr. Oprah and adjust your attitude for the person.

Other times, it just isn’t worth it.

And, when you did do something right – Ingrid would utter the rare (extremely rare) compliment.  Nonetheless, it came at such a high price. After the yelling, screaming and tattling – you didn’t care if you got it right (you just cared if she left you alone).

It was as if Ingrid were saying, “Good job!” then treating you to vanilla sundae with shit sprinkles.

Am I saying give up on the Ingrids? Not so much. Yet, people like Ingrid have to meet you halfway. It’s not fair to invest so much in a (work) relationship and the other person refuses to reciprocate. It’s stupid.

Calling it Quits

Sometimes, a job isn’t worth the trouble of trying to navigate a disastrous or toxic relationship. There are 6 billion people in the world – you aren’t guaranteed to enjoy spending time with the set you pick out for an 8-hour day stint. Therefore, don’t beat yourself up if you can’t deal.

It can be a number of things that contribute to a bad work relationship (and crappy coworker) – immaturity, a bad hire, poor communication skills – anything. If you can correctly identify the root of the problem – I’d say that’s wonderful. You’re luckier than most.

If you cannot – and everything you’ve tried isn’t working – move on.

Life is full of Ingrids and you can’t avoid them all. Remember, however, that as long as you are willing to learn from them – knowing them can be a little worthwhile, too.