How to Not Be An Annoying Chicago Transplant

Make scathing remarks about the Southside

The only people I’ve met that make crappy remarks about the “wasteland” of Chicago’s Southside are people who have NEVER, EVER lived there.

Yes, the Southside is not the overpriced “paradise” of the North, but there’s very little need to think (or say) that once you cross over 57th Street, you’ll descend into the Mad Max Apocalypse.

Chicago is a mystery of imbalances. Yet, I can’t wait to see the day when people finally wise up. They’ll abandon 500 square foot $1900 studios and flock to $700 3 bedroom apartments. They’ll give up a little glamour for more parking space (and space).

Eh, a girl can dream.

Do not buy shirts like these…ever

These don’t belong on anybody.

Cafe Press

Chicago is not the Promised Land, but I’m pleased if you like living here

Hey – folks from Iowa, Ohio, Wisconsin, wherever - quit acting like you escaped Bush country and are so grateful for the Metropolis of Great Wind.

So, you’ve escaped the caves of (insert hometown), but quit acting like your life was suffocating because you had the “misfortune” of being from Cleveland.

Don’t tell me you live around gangs

No one cares. It lost its glamour in the ’90s.

Don’t ask what people are like in X neighborhood

Too bad the North Side is filled to the brim with yuppies – but I think they like it that way. Whenever new folks move to the area, they want to get a handle on Chicago’s neighborhoods. This is because Chicago is infamously (and ridiculously) segregated. It’s a blemish on an otherwise great city.

To be frank, however, there’s not much difference between Bucktown and Wicker Park, Streeterville or the Gold Coast.

And, while we have our little pocketed white ethnic, Hispanic and Asian neighborhoods (Humboldt Park, Ukranian Village, Chinatown) – it doesn’t change that they’re pockets! Generally, the kinds of people that live here are transplants like you – but that doesn’t mean they’re any less of a Chicagoan.

And, if you want to get a feel for the people – live here. Quit worrying about who’s who and what’s what.

Get used to the “minority” population

This should be be a given here, but humans never cease to utterly shock and amaze you.

Quick Story: On the Blue line el, I blatantly eavesdropped on a conversation from a girl who was trying out a Curves gym  with her friends in “some” neighborhood.

The girl talked about how the place was full of fat, Hispanic women. She complained that all she heard was “Hispanic Music” (OMG – I know all music is Hispanic music when it plays those wretched accordians in the background!). She said, “It just wasn’t the place for us. There was no one in there that looked like me. I was soooo uncomfortable.”

And, while she was saying this, I couldn’t help but think that she wasn’t from Chicago. I can’t believe this is a true story.

Yes, it may be hard to believe – but while paying $2500 rent in Lincoln Square, please keep in mind of the massive groups of brown people living elsewhere. I guess you can’t be too wrong in assuming if you don’t see hordes of brown and black yuppies populating the Milk & Honey Cafe – they must have become extinct.

Not so true, they’re living somewhere else to avoid annoying transplants.

You are not a Hipster because you live North

There. I said it.