The Emerald City

There are days when you wake up and can seize the day. Your opportunity to achieve great things is limitless. The world is yours and it is good.

And, there are other days when your freshly ironed shirt of self-confidence has several creases of self-doubt in it. This is one of those days.

The “it’ factor of my life appears short-sighted. Should the unlimitedness of my potential be something that really is attainable in a lifetime?

Is it supposed to be? Every twenty-something I know feels like their life is heading toward some vast unknown greatness or never-abiding flux and uncertainty.

I get disappointed when I’m not sure where my path is headed.  I’m not looking for answers. I’m looking for proof. I want proof that I’m doing something right.

The great things that I want seem so far out of reach. What is this greatness? It’s so grand. It’s all mysterious.  It’s shrouded in adjectives that only seem to blur what it really is.

In passing moments, I wish I could see what the other people say they see in me. At other moments, my talents feel like wisps of smoke that can be blown out by anyone. The grand spectacle that could be my life is just some normal person playing out a bunch of theatrics – like the Wizard of Oz.

Yet, unlike the Wizard, I don’t have a big balloon in which I can sail away into “new and unfound things.” I have to stay right there in the Emerald City and eke out an existence amongst the others.

Keep performing the silly theatrics and hope no one notices.

There are times when I feel I should be tougher. Smarter. Stronger. More interesting.

I (secretly) wonder if my life is staid because it is in so much flux. Change may be good. But, it becomes irrelevant when it’s unnecessary. And, there are times when I think my changes are unnecessary. I want to be validated by my own pursuits. This can be a problem. The ROI of my investments aren’t immediately evident – I begin to wonder if they are worth the time and effort.

There’s that self-doubt creeping in .

In high school, my mentor’s notes would say,

“Raven has great potential, but she doesn’t speak up.”

Other teachers would comment,

“She lets others influence her on how well she does. She listens to other people too much.”

I think that somehow I’m not doing all that I should. There’s always more…more…more. I feel impeded by my own laziness – perhaps even, doomed to mediocrity. That’s scary for me. I want to make plans that stick and don’t fail me.

But that’s the unwanted part of the learning process. Finding what works. It’s frustrating because you don’t think you have the ability to ever make the plans that will stick.

There are days when you are great. You snatch all 24 hours and what you set out to accomplish actually happens. There are other days when it’s someone else’s turn to be great. Your potential for wonderfulness isn’t up to snuff and someone else has come in to fill the void.

Our chances to achieve the wonderful wanes on Tuesday and reaches its zenith on Thursday. Then, slowing down again the next day and on Monday – it’s like nothing ever happened. We are outstanding again.

Yet, not all days are meant to be great.

Sometimes, they are there to only fill the void. Nevertheless, on the days that are empty, I’ve decided to do this:

Job

I’ve been lazy about finding a job. It’s not for lack of trying, but more out of frustration. I haven’t been scheduling informational interviews or networking like I should. I’ve been in job-search purgatory. That’s not helping me when I have mortgage.

If I am to do anything, I need to start talking to people – mainly by doing informational interviews again. As of late, I’ve been relying too much on just the old, standard ways of getting a job. WAKE UP. We’re in a recession – I have no option to be passive (read: lazy).

My professional goals center on work in PR/Corporate communications for an NPO dedicated to social justice.

I know that’s very specific, but it’s either that or get paid to do what I enjoy already – which is my volunteer work. I have a background in cultural programming, but I won’t mind using that experience in a new industry  or a different type of career altogether.

I’ve also become mildly interested in having social media be a part of whatever career path I choose. Right now, I’m the pseudo-online community manager for the NPO I volunteer with (I helped create our e-newsletter, blog and set us up on Twitter and Facebook).

I read up on whatever I can about  the role of social media in the non-profit world.

And, of course I blog.

Volunteer Work

I also “work” as a community journalist. Yet, my goal for this year is to have a portfolio of at least 7 articles by the Spring. I’ve barely completed 2. I have to harass my Editor to give me more assignments, not drag my feet and actually get over my fear of interviewing people.

Wow.

Three things I have to get over at once before May.  I’ve also become lazy about deadlines. Time to buy a new organizer – perhaps the electronic kind to supplement my notebook.

Maybe not.

Since I also work as a co-Curator for my volunteer NPO, I’m supposed to be promoting our Darfur exhibit (and finding venues for it). I’ve started, but I’ve been frustrated by all the museums, centers, etc. being booked until 2011. We’re ready to take the tour out for 2009. I will need to discover different opportunities in which to adequately showcase our work. That means digging much harder for contacts and using up my cell phone minutes.

Might be a good time to change my rate plan.

Education

I (quickly) thought of going to graduate school. Yet, right now, I don’t think my professional goals fit with advanced schooling. Generally, I thought b-school would be a great idea, but I’m still on the fence.

I’ve been keeping in tune with the world of PR and social media, but I’m not sure what else I could be doing to add to my “self-education.”  You learn by doing. What else could I be doing? I will have to research and figure out the plans that will stick.

Well, that’s it (for now). I think I’ve filled out enough stuff to supplement the void – and hopefully, the empty days won’t seem so empty.